UNDERSTANDING THE ART OF APOLOGIZING

UNDERSTANDING THE ART OF APOLOGIZING

It seems that from the time we are born, we are indoctrinated with the words: “I’m sorry.” These two little words have created many more problems than answers to problems. There is an effective way to apologize that leaves the person in fault with dignity, while at the same time assuaging the hurt of the injured.

First, it is important to understand that when a wrong has been done to anyone, there is an inherent need for restitution to be made. If it is not, feelings of hostility, anger, and resentment begin to build. Trying to forget the incident with out confronting it often fosters negative feelings in both parties.

Second, often times it is not necessary to make a public spectacle of an apology. Talking one-on-one can identify the needs and a resolution can be drawn. Apologizing can be an entrée to str onger communications.

Third, once you have made the choice to apologize, a variety of emotional reactions come into play. This can be used in a positive sense to reinforce your self-image. Choosing to correct a wrong is the first step in a positive process . . . ridding yourself of the killing disease: “guilt.”

Fourth, there are proper words for an apology. It is necessary to de-program yourself from the words: “I’m sorry.” This does in no way say what you want to say. “I am sorry” is a personal indictment on your self-worth, your valuable and important being. You are not “sorry” . . . you are a special person who makes a vital contribution to life just by “being.”

What you are indeed wanting to say in an apology is: “Please forgive me” . . . “Please excuse me” . . . “Please pardon me” . . . etc. To make an apology effective, it is not necessary to wallow in self-degradation. It is only necessary to communicate your feelings of regret.

Also, there are some people who feel the need to apologize for everything, even for things over which they have no control. Listen to your communications and see if you are caught in a web of apologies. If so, you may be

· Striving to please too many people.
· Avoiding accepting responsibility (I’m sorry I’m late.)
· Trying to make up for circumstances for which you are not responsible (I’m sorry the picnic was rained out.)
· Covering up aggression or inadequacy.
· Manipulate someone into liking=2 0you or your work.
· Attempting to intimidate.

If you find yourself apologizing too often, you will know inside yourself, and others will feel from you . . . that it means nothing. It is just words that you say and don’t mean.

When you have committed a wrong . . . confront it. Ask yourself “why?” Once you understand your actions and words, then you can begin to rebuild your self-value by communicating with the injured party. Make a firm statement expressing your regret . . . ask for forgiveness .. . and then turn the page. Do not, under any circumstances, allow others or yourself to keep you in the “apology pig pen” after the wrong has been righted.

By the way, not only is it important to ask the injured to forgive you, it is equally important to ask you to forgive you. This finalizes the apology ritual. Once you have completed this, you are ready to face new opportunities and new challenges with the freedom to become the best you can be.